a summary of 2008 and why I'm Hope-full for 09
WHEN asked whether I knew of any newsmaker who had a bad time this year but experienced a turn-around and is looking forward to 2009, the first person that I thought of was...me.
I was part of the news in the newsroom early this year because I had a stress-related mood disorder, which erupted quite suddenly around the end of January.In one incident, I was on the floor of the art department, closing my eyes and talking rapidly at the same time.
What was happening?In medical terms, I was having a manic episode.An example of what I did during that time: at a clinic that my mother brought me to, I was uncooperative and broke all of their wooden tongue depressors.I had to be admitted into the Institute of Mental Health (IMH)for two weeks.
At one point, I had to be strapped down and sedated.I was out of it for a few days, during which my elder sister changed my clothes and bathed me.After my discharge, I was given another two weeks of medical leave.At first, the full impact of what happened didn’t hit me because I was sheltered by the “high” of my manic state.
I felt I could go right back to work, but in the end, after a discussion with my bosses, I took no-pay leave to work on a couple of projects that I had already planned on doing before my hospital stay.However, those projects (a book and a community service trip to China) both got postponed indefinitely and I found myself slipping into a depression.
This was not the first time that I noticed a prolonged period of lethargy and lack of interest in what I used to be passionate about.For several years now, I have observed this downturn in my personality, which would last for months on end.This would often bewilder me because I’m known by my friends as a bubbly and engaging person.
But this year, the down was felt much more keenly because of how high I had been.Plus, I started thinking back on those episodes and cringing at what I felt were embarrassing memories.As if all these were not enough, I put on weight, partly due to the mood-stabiliser medication I was taking and also because I would sleep a lot.
I felt the only good news during this period was that I was gradually taking less medicine, from two mood stabilisers to one, as my psychiatrist assessed that my mood was stable.But stable also meant feeling nothing compared to what I was used to. I would not feel like meeting up with friends because I would have nothing to say, my thoughts were so sluggish.My family asked me to go back to work in June (I had stopped working for two months), and so I did, just because there was nothing else to do.
In the office, I knew people were concerned for me but because I was depressed, even their simple “how are you?” would leave me in a quandary.Should I say okay when I didn’t feel okay? But if I didn’t say okay, they would ask what was wrong and I would have no energy to explain (Anyway, I didn’t know why I felt down, I just was).
Then suddenly, in September, my mood lifted.I would wake up from a night of vivid dreams and have a stream of thoughts, which got me excited because I had not felt my brain ticking for months.But this begged the question – was the cycle going to repeat itself?After a week of low-quality sleep, I decided to go back to the psychiatrist.He put me back on the second mood stabiliser and I was able to regain control.
Now, was this a step forward or backward? If progress is only measured in dosage of medicine, it’s backward.But if progress means accepting that there are these polarised aspects of who I am, the extreme highs and lows, then I have made a step forward.There’s this little bookmark I got once from a psychiatrist I was interviewing for a story that called for the triple As of accept, adapt and appreciate in managing disorders.
I have gone through a process of self-acceptance in the past 12 months so I look forward to 2009 because I will be learning the next two As this year – adapt and appreciate.To adapt to my condition, I am changing certain ways of doing things, such as spending more time with my family, who know me better than anyone else. Despite each of our imperfections, they have been the perfect family for me during this deeply challenging year.
To better appreciate my condition and how it can affect me, I am putting my experiences into a book.It’s going to be a personal and communal memoir where I will have my recollections of what happened to me in the past 12 months, paired with observations from people who witnessed both my manic and depressive states.If I learn these two As well, who knows? I may one day be able to break the cycle of extreme highs and lows.
I take my inspiration from the humble caterpillar who goes through multiple moults before the complete metamorphosis into a butterfly.As I start 2009, I have this hope, that the sharing of what I went through will be a blessing to others who either have similar problems or care about people who do.So, despite the gloom and doom forecast for this year, I wish you all a hopeful new year.
I was part of the news in the newsroom early this year because I had a stress-related mood disorder, which erupted quite suddenly around the end of January.In one incident, I was on the floor of the art department, closing my eyes and talking rapidly at the same time.
What was happening?In medical terms, I was having a manic episode.An example of what I did during that time: at a clinic that my mother brought me to, I was uncooperative and broke all of their wooden tongue depressors.I had to be admitted into the Institute of Mental Health (IMH)for two weeks.
At one point, I had to be strapped down and sedated.I was out of it for a few days, during which my elder sister changed my clothes and bathed me.After my discharge, I was given another two weeks of medical leave.At first, the full impact of what happened didn’t hit me because I was sheltered by the “high” of my manic state.
I felt I could go right back to work, but in the end, after a discussion with my bosses, I took no-pay leave to work on a couple of projects that I had already planned on doing before my hospital stay.However, those projects (a book and a community service trip to China) both got postponed indefinitely and I found myself slipping into a depression.
This was not the first time that I noticed a prolonged period of lethargy and lack of interest in what I used to be passionate about.For several years now, I have observed this downturn in my personality, which would last for months on end.This would often bewilder me because I’m known by my friends as a bubbly and engaging person.
But this year, the down was felt much more keenly because of how high I had been.Plus, I started thinking back on those episodes and cringing at what I felt were embarrassing memories.As if all these were not enough, I put on weight, partly due to the mood-stabiliser medication I was taking and also because I would sleep a lot.
I felt the only good news during this period was that I was gradually taking less medicine, from two mood stabilisers to one, as my psychiatrist assessed that my mood was stable.But stable also meant feeling nothing compared to what I was used to. I would not feel like meeting up with friends because I would have nothing to say, my thoughts were so sluggish.My family asked me to go back to work in June (I had stopped working for two months), and so I did, just because there was nothing else to do.
In the office, I knew people were concerned for me but because I was depressed, even their simple “how are you?” would leave me in a quandary.Should I say okay when I didn’t feel okay? But if I didn’t say okay, they would ask what was wrong and I would have no energy to explain (Anyway, I didn’t know why I felt down, I just was).
Then suddenly, in September, my mood lifted.I would wake up from a night of vivid dreams and have a stream of thoughts, which got me excited because I had not felt my brain ticking for months.But this begged the question – was the cycle going to repeat itself?After a week of low-quality sleep, I decided to go back to the psychiatrist.He put me back on the second mood stabiliser and I was able to regain control.
Now, was this a step forward or backward? If progress is only measured in dosage of medicine, it’s backward.But if progress means accepting that there are these polarised aspects of who I am, the extreme highs and lows, then I have made a step forward.There’s this little bookmark I got once from a psychiatrist I was interviewing for a story that called for the triple As of accept, adapt and appreciate in managing disorders.
I have gone through a process of self-acceptance in the past 12 months so I look forward to 2009 because I will be learning the next two As this year – adapt and appreciate.To adapt to my condition, I am changing certain ways of doing things, such as spending more time with my family, who know me better than anyone else. Despite each of our imperfections, they have been the perfect family for me during this deeply challenging year.
To better appreciate my condition and how it can affect me, I am putting my experiences into a book.It’s going to be a personal and communal memoir where I will have my recollections of what happened to me in the past 12 months, paired with observations from people who witnessed both my manic and depressive states.If I learn these two As well, who knows? I may one day be able to break the cycle of extreme highs and lows.
I take my inspiration from the humble caterpillar who goes through multiple moults before the complete metamorphosis into a butterfly.As I start 2009, I have this hope, that the sharing of what I went through will be a blessing to others who either have similar problems or care about people who do.So, despite the gloom and doom forecast for this year, I wish you all a hopeful new year.
posted by thejenlee at 12:16 AM
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