of tears and rainbows (my 8th mth in Brisbane)

Hi friends

hope this finds you well...

the past month, as some of you who read my facebook posts know, has been one of the most emotional months so far since I got here.

I think I cried more in the past few weeks than I have in a really long time...

Just had a thought, since the Bible says that God keeps our tears in a bottle (psalm 56:8) He would be able to tell if the statement above was true... haha *wry smile.

Why did I cry?

it was not only because my maternal grandma was unwell and at the brink of death. She has dementia and has been bedridden for two years after a stroke. Most recently she had pneumonia and doctors were saying to prepare for the worse. I flew back home for few days and got to pray for her in person. My sister and I also sang for her in harmony. Thank God, at the time of writing, she has stabilised (see pic below)

my grandma can't talk or eat on her own. her hands have to be tied to the bed frame when people are not watching her so that she does not pull out the feeding tube, which is very painful to reinsert. Much as I hate to think of her tied up, I accept that it's the lesser of the two evils. This pic was taken right before I left. Her hands are no longer swollen from poor blood circulation and she can breathe on her own, miracles considering her age and condition. Her countenance has also improved a lot since she was moved back to my uncle's home (she had been put in a nursing home when she had a huge bed sore more than a year ago). While I continue to ask God to help me believe Him for grandma to regain her functions, I have also made my peace and had closure with this trip back. Whatever happens, I am thankful.

That was the last week of Jan.

A week into Feb, there was news of my paternal aunt's sudden passing, and how my dad didn't get to see her before she died (she had been on dialysis but we were all surprised that she went so quickly).

To be honest, when I first heard the news from my sister about my aunt, I didn't feel anything. Maybe my heart had just been through an intense period with my grandma, and it's just "recovering".

Only when I heard that my dad had rushed back to Ipoh but didn't to see my aunt because he left his wallet in a taxi and was spending time looking for it, did my heart feel for him and I started crying.

Later when I spoke to dad and he said he already knew my aunty was in very bad shape...so I think he was trying to say he was prepared. Although I am thankful that he seemed okay, I know he will take some time to process the suddenness of it all. Although he has been living in Singapore all this while, he does regularly call back to his siblings in Ipoh, Malaysia, and I know he prays for them.

So, please pray for my dad as he stays with my late aunt's husband and tries to support him. He plans to encourage him to go to church, so please pray for an openness to God even in this time of grief.

My aunt loved children but never had any of her own. She helped to babysit my cousins from another uncle living near her... in this Chinese New Year period, I know their hearts will be heavy from this loss. Again, prayers are appreciated.

These are only two of the more recent things that I have cried about...earlier last month I cried intensely over a relationship matter.

It was a really difficult time, only by God's grace did He see me through. I am thankful that He gave me strength to turn to Him, to cry out to Him in my personal time of worship... before this I had not experienced worship where I was literally bawling out the words as I played the song on my guitar.... but now I have. The song was Blessed Be Your Name, for those of you who know it.

I am also grateful that He gave me people around me to support me...my church group and also the people I live with and my friends in school.

Over the past few weeks I have noticed more rainbows around me... I have a rainbow coloured banner and also a rainbow-butterfly decoration that I hang up plus I wear a rainbow bracelet (see pic) but God has given me rainbows elsewhere too :) have a look at the following pictures

got this from Ekka a few years back, it is my favourite wall hanging of all time :)  combines two of the things I love rainbow and butterfly (In mid Jan, I successfully raised a caterpillar into a butterfly :) see this Facebook album https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10152127738796953.442729.544591952&type=1&l=5837b33fa3)

Sorry to those who may have spider phobia, but what I want to show is the lovely rainbow colour that comes through each silken strand (best example is the strand in the top left quadrant of picture). I just happened to be out at the right time for the sun to be shining through and create this beautiful picture of God's promises clinging to me and holding me up like a spider's web. Indeed, I am learning to trust more and strive less, because as the song says "All Your promises won't let go of me".

I was at Officeworks getting something for my campus organisation part-time job on Tue (5/2/13) when I saw this gorgeous rainbow. if you zoom into the picture, you will see that the different colours were quite distinct. I have not seen a rainbow this clear in a long time. I happened to be at the bus stop but the bus didn't come (for the second time, same service, on the same day), so maybe this was God's way of cheering me up :)

This made it to me in the mail just a couple days back, it's something I ordered for myself from Threadless :) Just glad about the timing of the delivery :)

So as I look back, I know the hand of God is upon me. My emotions are still sorting themselves out...my advisor has given me a few days off since hearing about my aunt... for that I am thankful. Maybe tomorrow I will look for an old photo of her and give thanks for her life...and commit myself again to praying for my relatives who do not yet know Jesus.

I am grateful for all that the past month has brought me, tears and all...did you know that when you look up at the sun with half-closed half-focused eyes that have tears in them, your eye lashes will actually break up the light so that it appears as if rainbow-coloured lines are reaching out to you from above? 

I hope you can understand what I am describing :) best thing to do is to try it out, next time you yawn, or maybe just dab some water in your eyes :) Do be careful not to stare directly at the sun, of course :)

I am not sure if it works with other light sources, you can try and let me know :)

I discovered this "instant micro-rainbow method" a few years back and it has often brought comfort to me because the rainbow represents God's promise (Genesis 9:12-15)  reaching out to me :)

let me end with a passage from Philippians 4 in the bible that my mentor in church shared with me and it has really been a blessing to me.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. 

The Lord is near. (this short phrase speaks volumes to me)

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

amen. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your prayers for me in the past month. God has heard you and I pray you will also experience His rainbows through any tears that come your way.